Prompted by a John Lewis advert, Dr Jill Reynolds, a Senior Lecturer with the Faculty of Health and Social Care, blogs about what it might be like to grow old without children. Interested in hearing from those over 60 and childess, she starts by conducting a video interview with her future self, which you can watch below...
The advertisement from John Lewis that is also on YouTube has attracted much comment in the media. Never Knowingly Undersold shows, to the tune of Billy Joel´s Always a Woman, a life course from babyhood to old age – she finally strides across the field with husband and grandchildren.
I would show you the video here, but it seems the British Democracy Forum – said by some to be ´a far right web forum´ – had the ad on their website, apparently promoting their politics until someone reported it to the store, who immediately had the ad removed. I expect you´ve seen it already anyway: 100,000 people have looked at it on YouTube and no doubt many more on TV.
Most of the comment is positive, and it is strangely moving. The Guardian´s Libby Brooks agrees that it prompts a visceral response, but demurs that it hasn´t moved with developments for women in terms of career and other kinds of recognition: "In many ways, it proffers a terribly old-fashioned take on modern womanhood: pair-bonding and breeding are the significant milestones, not making CEO of the company. At no point is there any suggestion our heroine might enjoy an existence without her beautifully decorated four walls – in one segment she is seen attending to a laptop but, who knows, she was probably just browsing the John Lewis website."
I´ve seen nothing that points out that the normative life course it portrays shows ageing as something only done by people deep in the heart of their families. Perhaps the ad can remind us that the life course is almost always thought of as involving, particularly for women, an ageing process that includes marriage, childbearing, childrearing, children leave home, grandchildren coming to visit, and finally death brings that life to an end. So no wonder that this single track normative portrayal hasn´t aroused critical comment. It simply shows what we all imagine life stages to be about.
We don´t often hear about those who are old and childless. See my recent post - what can we do if we´re not grannies? - for discussion of ideas from Joanna Lumley and Diana Athill on what this experience might involve. I´m interested in finding out more about the experience of ageing for those who don´t have children. I´d like to hear from people in a range of ages over 60 years.
And to start myself off, I´ve made contact with my future self, and carried out an interview with this future Jill. Have a look and let me know what you think...
Comments
Jill
I'm not over 60 but the issues you are considering are non-the-less pertinent to me and I enjoyed your imaginative approach to stimulating the debate on getting old without close and attentive family - although in some ways I think your chat with Jill aged 82 draws on considerably more issues concerning aging.
Firstly the John Lewis ad. The first time I saw this it made me cry and I tried to analyse why. I concluded it was a combination of frustration at the twee lifestyle portrayed, a sense that the final wave towards the camera was just the pre-cursor to death and finally that it was a sense of bereavement for the path not taken (by me).
I'm single and childless (the latter by choice). I have a sibling married with three adult children who is now a grandparent to four. Grandparents and offspring live over three hours from each other while I am carer to our widowed mother and live just an hour from my nephews. Great Gran enjoys their visits but they are not as frequent as she would like.
We ocassionally discuss the issues - they arose especially when my father died and we wondered for how long mum could manage on her own, especially as she has a hip-related disability. The upshot was that Mum managed but she was lonely - yet she had a traditional life (as per John Lewis) and it was the loss of her life partner that left her bereft not her children. To some extent I have provided company and the counter balance is that I have one house and garden to maintain rather than two.
I sometimes wonder what will happen to me if I become frail. But I don't think there will be much difference between me and my sister as her off-spring have no stated plan or wish to do as I have done and take care of either of their parents in old age. Maybe it is because they in turn have children and look forward to a future when the nest is empty. As my nest has always been thus I don't see it as a burden to give mum support.
I don't think I will live to see a time when women aren't stereotyped. I'm a spinster - big deal! But I have had and continue to have a very diverse and fulfilling life. But it would be disingenous to suggest that I don't wonder what life would be like in a strong and loving partnership.
Good luck with your research - sorry I don't know why every word has a capital letter!
Hello dramaqueen
Very interesting to read of your experience - and I'm sure you're right that matters of ageing without close and attentive family affect many more than just those who are single and/or childless. And I think my reaction to the John Lewis ad may, like yours, have been partly about the bereavement of the path not taken. The Billy Joel music takes me back too!
It sounds as though you and your mum are living in the same house - an unusual arrangement these days, and one that I guess provides both your mum and you with some companionship.
My impression from reading research is that those who remain or return to being single are less lonely in old age than those who miss their life partner. Something perhaps about the need to build up social networks throughout life that may give some additional resilience to meet the demands of old age.
The TV advert steretypes individuals. Not all women who are childless are single and not all married women lead a life that is portraited in such visions as seen in such an advert.
Many people seem not to understand the feelings of women and couples who are childless. Our market econony needs to encourage classification, steretyping and peer pressure. This produces strategies which
play to the majority. This is apparent in social policy and how individuals who do not fit the mainstream
pattern can be isolated.
Violet: I am interested particularly in your comment "Many people seem not to understand the feelings of women and couples who are childless". I am sure that is true but you seem to be suggesting that the feelings are uniform, whereas I would have thought they are anything but depending on the reasons for being child free.
If strategies are played to the majority then there is considerable catching up to be done. The travel industry for example assumes families or perhaps couples at best are the consumers in most instances but the facts of the matter are that Mum, Dad and 2.2 children are not the norm any longer.
It is hard to find holidays without single supplements, with good access for older people who may be less nimble, who might like smaller meals but don't want the ignomy of a child's portion. This sector is just one example not adjusting to an ageing population for whom options are needed - not one size fits all.
I've never seen this advert but think I get the gist of it. Violet said "Not all women who are childless are single and not all married women lead a life that is portraited in such visions as seen in such an advert". How right she is. I'm not actually 60+ yet (55 this year) but my scenario fits Violet's statement perfectly.
My husband and I married when I was 17 (he was 12 years older). We were soul mates, only seperated by his passing away last September just short of our 37th anniversary, following a couple of years of illness.
We never had children - we discussed it in my mid-20s, when I was contemplating studying for a career so I could afford to have horses, my great passion. He said that since I'd be the one at home with children mostly, then the final decision would be mine. He was happy to go along with my wishes, as long as it made me happy. I like children, and have over the years thoroughly enjoyed looking after those of friends (although babies do nothing for me), but all I'd ever really wanted was horses, and had never been a very maternal person. So I took the career/horse option.
Over the years we've had a good life, and never regretted not having been parents. We were enough for each other. Losing him has devastated me.
My grandparents are all long gone. I'm an only child, as was my Dad. Mum had 1 brother but he is to my mind a not very pleasant person who I have little to do with. Both my parents were taken by cancer, Mum 13 years ago, Dad 5 years ago. So last September I found myself with no blood relatives to turn to in my darkest hour. Luckily my brother-in-law and his son, and my husband's cousin and his family see me as a good friend and almost as 'blood' family and have been wonderful, despite some 75 miles seperating us.
I have great friends -in and out of my workplace - who support me, and somehow I'm accustoming myself to life without my great love. It's not easy - I don't know that I'll ever truly get over his loss - but with my work, friends, and my OU studies I'm slowly getting there and creating a life for myself without him. Who's to say that having children to turn to would have made it all any easier? Realistically parents and children don't always get on and see eye-to-eye. So even now I don't regret not having had children. I value my close friends and 'family-in-law' who I believe support me as much as any children could/would have done.
Dramaqueen's comments about the travel industry's attitude to singles is quite true - and I'm finding food shopping even worse! With 2 of us there were many items which don't freeze well (such as a cabbage) which were feasible, as we could eat one between us in about 2 meals. But 1 cabbage for 1 person is really pushing it! I really don't want cabbage every day for 4 meals, otherwise it ends up in the bin. My local supermarket used to sell 1/2 cabbages but stopped that some time ago. Many pre-packed items don't keep and where 2 of us could get through something OK, there's far too much for just me. Society's perfect picture of mum, dad, children and grand-children really doesn't apply in many cases.
It's the age-old issue of pigeon-holing and stereotypes which won't go away. I just hope that when (if ....) I get to my 70s, society isn't going to expect me to suddenly want to play bingo, join in sing-songs and listen to Val Doonigan! I still love the same music I did at 15 and can't imagine I'll ever change in my musical tastes, any more than my Mum did - she still listened to the same jazz (Erroll garner, Ella Fitzgerald etc) she'd loved from her late teens and 20s when she died at 64. I fully expect to reach 70 as a childless, single (widowed), rock-music loving woman. I just hope by then society can shed the silly sterotypes with which we are burdened. My role-model for that phase of life would have to be Diana Trent from 'Waiting for God' (although not quite as vicious and rather less acidic.
)
Dramaqueen's situation and my own surely illustrate clearly that the scenarios surrounding we childless women can be many and varied.
Jacqui
A recent experience of a friend brought home to me one of the issues of ageing child-free. He lives overseas, so his widowed mother is almost child-free. She had carers doing the basics, and a comment about her leg hurting resulted in a trip to the hospital. There was nothing seriously wrong, so she was sent home - the ambulance people couldn't get the front door open, so she was taken back and the careplan suspended. The hospital couldn't release her until the careplan was reinstated. And this is where we'd be stuck without someone/anyone to really act as advocate for our frustrated wishes! She was lucky - my friend came home, and spent two weeks trying to sort things out, at the last minute set up a private careplan and sprung her from the hospital. Meanwhile, this argumentative, almost blind, very hard of hearing, but fiercely independent lady was going mad in the trap. She was labelled violent, had gone without food (she didn't know it was there), and likely would have picked up some infection or other.
Yes, if you have reasonable health, can see (these days, you can't even programme the telly without reading the screen), and have friends, life is good whatever the age. But one thing goes wrong and you need someone to fight on your behalf - the above is just an example.
Jacqui - my heart goes out to you. I, too, am 55, and am married to a 66-yr old. I would never regret not having children (I didn't say that before, because I have inherited 'steps', who are lovely, but I can't assume they are going to look after me), but I have difficulty imagining what I'd do if he died first.
I have several friends who are also child-free, and we often joke about buying a house together when we're ready for it, employing someone to look after us all, and playing loud rock music - yeah, we don't want 'My Old Man' either!
I've really appreciated these comments and how much you've been willing to share about your lives, joys and anxieties.
I too hope no one makes me listen to Val Doonican in my old age - though I have to admit it's been a revelation to me that Radio 2 now plays all the music I like! So perhaps we'll be able to rock n roll with the best of them
Jill
Well, I´m 56 with two children. My son is 22 and has left the nest about 2 yrs ago. My daughter is 18 and will surely leave "hotel mama" next year after her A-levels; going to South-America, Africa...spending a gap year somewhere far away! I´ve always supported my children in doing things like those, not worrying too much about their "old" mum. I´ve been to lots of places myself and hope to be seeing more in the future.
That´s why I´ve started thinking about selling my part of a huge converted barn which I share with two families in the middle of nowhere. It´s very peaceful and beautiful where we live, but too much work for me without help. And as one of you wrote, it would be a lot easier to live in a city in so many ways: museums, cinemas, shops, doctors... so close.
Maybe it will be hard for me without a big garden, but on the other hand I will enjoy the freedom of coming and going without the burdon of a huge house and garden. Right now I´m just dreaming of changing my life, because I still have to and want to work for another 9 yrs. So maybe some of you might think it`s too early to start planning, but I need lots of time discussing my ideas with my children and friends! By the way, quite a lot of women from 49 to 60 in my neighbourhood have similar dreams- whether they`re single or not.
I can only comment from personal experience. I am married (for 37 years() with two children and five grandchildren. My sister on the other hand is married with no children. One difference that I noticed was that my sister is more self interested and less tolerant. I suspect that this is a result of not having children as the experience teaches you patience and tolerance.
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